Day Six

This morning I was beyond exhausted. I decided to tempt fate and go into work an hour later without calling just to see what would happen. I was so tired. My eyes hurt too much to read the paper, and when I got to work I realized it was no longer in my hand. I have no idea what happened to it. I also somehow ended up on the wrong platform, which never happens to me. Normally I can walk through not paying attention and get to the right place because I know exactly where I’m going. It only took me about a year to read the signs to do that properly (realizing the TTC was one step ahead providing signs with directions), with the exception of today. For some reason, I wore sandals. It was not as though I didn’t see the shitty cold weather outside, but I guess I thought it went better with my outfit. My feet were freezing I kept cursing myself the whole way! “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!” My morning commute is 90 minutes, which was still not enough sleep for me. I ran out of my apt without make up on, when I got to work I was horrified for everyone who had to see me with my panda eyes. The first thing I thought was “I gotta fix this”. Makeup and a permanent schedule change to start my day at 10 instead of 9. Voilà, hopefully it will help.

I kinda felt bad about the guy on the subway from the night before. I’ve been looking all over for opportunities to help someone or do something kind and there was an opportunity yelling at me. Why wouldn’t  I jump on that? I double checked my purse today just to make sure I didn’t secretly have cash hidden in some pocked I’d forgotten about, and luckily I had 15 cents. I suppose if I would have contributed to the cause he would have only needed 1.85 cents. Except for one very pressing question, if he needs money, how did he get on the subway? Who is he visiting in Vancouver and why don’t they just foot the bill?

But then again, in the grand scheme of things what does two dollars really matter?

I called a client regarding his unfavorable news. He said in French, “I don’t speak English.” Oh lucky for him I speak French. Only now that I’m speaking French he says “no no! I don’t speak French I speak English!” Does this guy think I was born yesterday, while in both languages he tells me he speaks the other.  I told him off in French and hung up, I really have no patience for bull shit. My colleague called him later, and then suddenly he could only speak Spanish. Oh! How worldly! He continues to avoid this conversation but if he would just face it, he would find out that it would take him only a couple minutes to fix it and feel better, but in the meantime I’m irritated for having to waste time with it.

Why do I care if I help a stranger? It doesn’t really seem to help so far nor is it comfortable. Is my cynical friend right? Is everything that we do motivated by a payoff? Of course whether good or bad, that’s human nature. I wanted to start this project to hopefully feel some excitement to get up in the morning, to step out of my mind and become more aware of life. I would like a more beautiful life, to live better, find clarity, trust in my own abilities. I want to be a good person, or be part of the chain of the greater good, for the world (that I live in) to be a happier place. Ultimately, this helps me the most. I’m not going to pretend I’m going to help every single person who asks me for change. I wouldn’t be learning my life lessons if I did that. Tough love is still love. Sometimes you have to help yourself out of it.

Which is precisely why, I’m going to get off this computer and make an eye appointment. My squinting eyes are begging for some glasses!