We are not here to discover the things that we can not do- my yoga teacher.

Made me feel as though I became so powerful and limitless.

Sad songs

I’m trying to do things in my life a little differently. I know my last post revealed that there was an ending in my ending with my beau, which hasn’t changed except for the little blip which lead to an evening of fevered painting.

A couple weeks ago, he and I started talking. He was on vacation and we hadn’t spoken in a while. I missed him, but I was adjusting to my decision of being alone even if it meant being lonely. Anyway, bla bla bla, you know how it feels to reconnect with someone you adore completely. My heart wanted to get out of my own body just to be near him. We talked about things we would do when he came back, sexually and otherwise. The more we talked, the more I felt we were missing the whole point of our ending in the first place. After the little time, I’d had without him, I felt I had made some progress and clarity. I wasn’t about to drop my reason for ending it, no matter how much I missed him (which I can’t really describe in words). I don’t really want to get into the nitty gritty here, even among strangers-but just know it’s a valid concern.

I wrote it all down. I laid it all out there, how I feel, what I want, my hope, everything naked. I used to be so afraid of those type of words but I guess I got to a point where I just feel like so what, I’m a person with feelings, big deal. And I knew in being honest with him, it would be over. He wouldn’t be able to agree to what I want, even if it was minimal. Actually, I will say. We dated a year and he refused to meet my family and friends. He met two friends on an accidental basis, one on an ambush that fueled our ending and the other as a drunken fluke/fiasco. And even though I know he cared about me in his way I just couldn’t take any more of feeling like a secret. I want something real, and I started to feel like with all these little gifts he mentioned he bought me on vacation, it was a distraction from what he would never give me. I don’t need a bracelet, I want a man who loves me. I don’t know why men do this. It’s not the same thing.

When a few days went by after me letting it all out, I knew he was having a hard time figuring out how to get around this and still sleep with me. I lost my appetite for sex. It doesn’t feel like a compliment for a man to want to fuck me. Men gawk at me all day, it’s not appealing. He finally acknowledged my email but gave excuses at why he couldn’t reply. “I want to reply properly, give me some time. ” I didn’t really want to hear it, we’ve been down this road before. A man who didn’t want to be without me wouldn’t let so much time go by. I let him out, I told him I knew what he would say and that it’s okay.

A day later, it’s not okay.

I wanted to tear every man’s face off who stared at me. I skipped yoga, bought paint supplies and starting painting ferociously. I was either too angry or bought shitty paint brushes (or a little of both) so I switched to an old toothbrush I use for cleaning. I pretended it was his (it wasn’t) but it did help. My regular coping method has always been drink a bottle of wine and get stupid, then spill my guts out and hate myself the next day. This time I’m not doing that shit. I haven’t even allowed myself to cry over hagen daaz, (or mac n cheese-my fave). I’ve been taking care of myself, I’m focused on becoming a woman to respect. I got some of it out, and turned it into something my sister believes is beautiful. It may not be worth millions, but it’s a step. Even a giant step for me in the right direction. I’m done selling myself short. DONE!

I keep picturing this scene in the tv show WEEDS that always stood out for me. The main character (I forget her name) goes through a really dramatic day. She almost dies, and I really forget all the drama in the episode….I know I’m bad at relaying information. Just imagine it was really dramatic and traumatic. She gets home, finally safe, she drinks some wine, says doesn’t speak to anyone and goes outside, strips naked and jumps in the pool. I related to that right away. Been there more than once. Had enough, just need to breathe. This is me breathing.

I’ve had enough of people’s opinions of my life. I’ve had enough of investing in something that isn’t real. I’ve had enough of feeling like maybe if he just has a little more time, he will see I’m worthy to love.

When I was 18, I found my biological mother. I found her on my own, because I’m a very good detective. I was adopted and for two years, I was driven to find her. Even with all the time and energy I put into finding her, I wasn’t prepared for what to do when it would happen. Maybe I thought I would have the words when it happened, but I didn’t. I called her out of the blue and I introduced myself. Then I asked her if she’d ever given up a baby for adoption. Just like that, and so that didn’t really go over too well. She said ‘no’. I apologized and said I must have the wrong person and hung up. I knew she was lying, it knew I had the right woman. I wasn’t going to argue with her. I didn’t really know how to process it. I stayed quiet for several hours, then suddenly I grabbed a pair of scissors, went to the washroom and cut off all of my hair. My mom caught me halfway through, she gasped “what are you doing!!!” I had no words for her. I looked at her and just shut the door. I felt nothing. When it was over, I bawled for hours because of the loss of my hair.

Later that year, I ended up meeting my biological mother’s parents. I went to their penthouse condo in Brampton. I remembered standing next to the window with my grandfather. He was from New Zealand, he passed away since then. I got kind of scared standing so close, we were really high up and they had floor to ceiling windows. He said “you’re just like your mother, scared of heights.” I smiled and then turned off the fear that day. Just like that. I never allowed myself to get scared for being up to high, I don’t want to be like her. I guess I should explain. I’ve never met her. She has 4 boys, and a daughter. Her husband (or so the story goes) will not allow her to meet me. Her children don’t know I exist, I’m a complete secret among their church community. They are well respected Mormons. A bastard baby is not something to be proud of. She sent me a letter. It said that she prayed I would find peace. It included her family pictures and two pictures of her new baby daughter. “I always wanted a daughter” she said. Ouch right, ya I’d say.

Her parents asked for pictures of me, recent and some as a child. My biological grandmother (and I only say grandmother so you can understand who I’m talking about, not because they are my family) brought the pictures to my biological mother so that she could see me. And then one day, they sent them back. They had little handwritten sticky notes on them with sayings like “you look so much like your mother here” or whatever bullshit brought them closure. I asked my grandmother why she sent them back. At least she didn’t lie. “So no one finds them by accident.”

And just so everyone knows, I wasn’t expecting us to become best friends. I didn’t expect her to become my new mom, I have a mom I love very much. But I wanted to see what she looked like. I wanted to make sense of myself. I wanted to know what she liked to do, I wanted to hear what kind of jokes she told, I wanted to know her. Just wanted to know what part of me connected with her. I didn’t want their money (they have money and I grew up poor) and I think did allude to that being my motive. How would I know that? And it made me feel bad for wanting to connect with someone when the rest of the general population is able to with ease. Somehow I feel like I’m in a similar situation.

I remember when my boyfriend before him died. I mean, how could I forget that really. I stayed up all night drinking at my friends house. I stayed up alone after everyone fell asleep just staring at the Toronto skyline, drinking and crying. In the morning another friend came with coffee and doughnuts. I had a hard time getting all my words out. I would collapse into tears and stutter “I don’t, (gasping for air) I don’t want (same thing) I don’t want him to be dead, please. I don’t want him to be dead. I’m not ready to be done with him.” She cried with me. My friends hated him, in truth, he was a douche bag. For some reason, it’s evil to say that because he’s gone but it’s the truth. He and I had a terrible relationship. He was cheating on me all the time, and lying and whatever else he did. He was no good for me. We had terrible arguments and then he wouldn’t let me out of his life. I tried, I really did. I cared about him of course but he and I were not anything close to being in love. He had some really great qualities that I miss but none of them were about being a good boyfriend. Initially I was mostly angry with him for being gone, for felling left behind and not understanding how it could all happen so quick. I woke up with him that morning, we had sex (not memorable except for that it was the last time) and we parted ways on the subway around noon. A few hours later, he was gone. Just gone. No real explanation. I mean, he was shot he died, yes I get that. But where is he? How do you make sense of that? I can’t yell at him for the things I found out afterwards, not that it matters anyway and I don’t want to anymore. It felt like getting dressed in the morning and wearing a pink dress but by the end of the day you’re naked? Where is my dress? How can that even happen and how do I make sure it doesn’t happen again? I can think of him now without getting angry, and sometimes I remember him fondly without getting sad or wanting that time back. I know I’ll get there again.

It’s a sad story, but I’m not crying. I’m painting and determined to grow in new directions. I have all the faith that there is another man out there that will capture my heart. And if there isn’t, if I never feel that way again, something else that life has to offered with be the reason my heart beats faster. My life will still be fulfilling with or without romantic love. And at least with the absence of it in my life, I don’t have to wonder when it’s leaving.

Sad songs are the best songs. And I don’t have to wonder how it’s gonna end.

I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife

I have found in my life, that any time I unload my heart to someone, it is always used an ammunition later on. Not that I don’t, but I get  more easily lost in listening as a distraction not to. People are so willing to talk, not engaged in conversation, just verbally trapping you in eye contact because they feel the need to talk about xyz. I got used to this, thinking that this was conversation, disengaging my brain and adding sound between their pauses to confirm that I was present, only most of the time I wasn’t. And for various reasons such as they were terrible listeners, unwanted advice pushers, or competing with my sad stories I just stopped wanting to talk, at all. Not that I don’t have things to say, but now (because of a series of events) I have no one to say it to. As sad and lonely as it has been, being able to reflect and listen to my own voice without interruption has been the biggest gift the universe could force upon me.

Here are the random thoughts and things I would tell you over a glass of red wine in no particular order (except the for the fact that I”m drinking pomegranate blueberry juice):

I was thinking about the week before my beau and I ended. We (or maybe just me) were/was really happy. I told him I was so grateful that he was in my life and he said he felt the same. And then he said something about how love has a way of either ruining things or going away. (I don’t know why he always added the l-word into things when he was so adamant about not being in it.) And I told him ‘there is no consequence to happiness”. Within an hour we were arguing/not speaking and he stormed out of my apartment, crushing my heart. I thought ‘okay so there is a consequence to happiness’ But having had a few weeks to reflect on that, I would say that I was right the first time. Happiness and sadness are just a part of the balance of life, they are not consequences, they are emotions-appreciate them, explore them.

Ultimately, friends do not need to agree or like every decision that each other makes. What is more important is to respect them.

I started going to yoga and during my class I dedicated my practice to sending love to everyone who may need it but specifically to my family. My sister is currently pregnant. I have this sort of pregnancy phobia. I don’t really know where it comes from. Part of my wonders if it’s in any way connected to being adopted. Watching movies with labor scenes gives me anxiety, sweaty palms, heart palpitations. It’s not likely that I will have a child in my lifetime. I like kids but, pregnancy really disturbs me-deeply. [When I saw my pregnant sister, she was like 6 months pregnant, and she reached out to hug me. My heart was in my throat because I was scared to touch her and I stepped on a cat (Freudian accident) which then hissed and jumped up both of our legs scratching the shit out of both of us. It hurt like hell but I was grateful for it to be delayed slightly-even though I love her of course and my nephew] Back to yoga class, I visualized that my exhales would reach the new baby and were giving life to her little lungs, I imagined it’s little hand opening up moving tiny fingers. Imagining this brought me tremendous peace in my heart.

During the same class I was able to do my most amazing pose with ease, this truly blew me away. It has been over a year since I practiced yoga. I don’t know what the pose is called. Imagine you are sitting on your butt with your legs tucked under you and then your body falls back to the floor. The last time I tried this pose was when my boyfriend was murdered. I was really struggling to stay focused. I remember when the instructor would guide us through breathing I would resent the fact that I could breathe and feel guilty because he couldn’t and angry that I would even be thinking of him because he cheated. This would be the section of class that I would nearly black out. I pushed myself into trying this pose and really wanting to be able to do it. I was slowly easing myself into it. All these thoughts were assaulting my mind, I couldn’t fathom ever being able to trust a person again. The worst part of that boyfriend dying and cheating wasn’t just the loss of him, it was the loss of his family who I loved dearly, especially his mom. This gentle hand held my sweaty head surprising me, it was the instructor. He smiled and told me ‘fall back’ and guided me into the pose that I never though I’d be able to get into. The deepest sense of peace wrapped around my body and I heard a message from the universe that said ” there will always be someone to trust.” It wasn’t long after that I started dating someone new.
Friday when that pose came up I thought I probably wouldn’t be able to get it since it has been so long and that it was okay, I’ll be able to do it again eventually. But, I fell right back into it on my own and that’s when I realized. I trust myself, wow. Finally. Thank. God.

I pray every night. I thank god (whomever this may be) and I ask for help. It brings me peace and clarity. And I don’t care if in the end I’m only talking to myself or if I’m doing it wrong or whatever all the possibilities are. It helps me. I believe in god, in all the possibilities available.

My ex boyfriend invited me to dinner with his wife and children. We never slept together, this was back in the day when I was a devout Mormon and he was serving a mission in Mexico (which is where he met his wife). We sent each other letters every week. We barely dated. I was also, at the same time questioning this religion and wondering where I really fit in it. I also met my biological father at this time who subtly worked at getting me away from it. There were many reasons for me to get away from it, one being that when I adapted to becoming a vegetarian (I”m now a vegan) the bishop told me that I was going against the “word of wisdom” which tells Mormons not to drink, smoke, have pre-marital sex, do drugs, drink hot drinks and eat meat sparingly. It was a big deal for me to do this to some people who felt very compelled to talk me out of it. But it was no problem for those who believe they should not have caffeine to eat chocolate but not drink pepsi/coke. Do not drink coffee and only de-caff tea but you may drink hot chocolate. (It says no hot drinks) I also hated that the religion did not accept homosexuality, and suddenly invented a rule that we could only have one ear piercing after I had 3, and my nose pierced. It felt like to many hypocritical rules. Then during the above mentioned boyfriend’s mission he sent me a letter to pray to god if we should get married. I thought maybe we should get to know each other instead of simply relying on prayer. I left the church, but I think it’s nice that we may be able to have dinner together so I’m considering. I told him that I would not be coming back to church and hoped that this was not him trying to make that happen, and also that I’m a strict vegan. He replied by saying “we totally respect that.” I think I might go.

I think two men kissing each other is so beautiful. It doesn’t turn me on the way men exploit women who do it, but I think it’s art and sometimes it brings a tear to my eye. I”m not really sure why.

This morning I had a voice mail without my phone ringing. It was my friend from my last job, we made plans to see a movie tonight. I”m really sick and have been off and on for two weeks. Let’s just say that every single thing I’ve eaten in my life has been expelled from my body in one way or another. It’s awful and baffling. No one at work is sick and I don’t come into contact with anyone else. Yesterday I ran out of my yoga class within 15 minutes to vomit profusely. I was so thankful that the receptionist forced coconut water on me. Right after I felt better and I was telling her I was okay to go back in. She said “no I think you need to rest, try again tomorrow. I”ll get your mat for you and wash your towel, no big deal.” That kind of kindness really struck me. I really appreciated it. I went home and have been sick ever since, she was right. And I thought a lot about how often in my life I tell myself “I’m fine, I”m fine” but I’m not, and I wasn’t. Why don’t I listen to my body and my own voice. I had felt sick all morning but pushed myself to go anyway. I told my friend I was too sick to go, she found a vegan festival for us to go to with a spiritual twist. She gave me tips to feel better, things I hadn’t thought of. I was thankful. I realized I’d been forcing food into my body when it clearly doesn’t want it, maybe making things worse. “Just listen to your body today and treat it with love.” Simple words that was all I needed. I know I should see a doctor but I have a long standing history with reasons why I don’t trust them. I may call my naturopath instead but those appointments cost money which I’m not trilled about paying. I felt better just feeling like someone trusted that I had enough sense to fix my own body. She offered that next weekend she will take me to temple. “I’ve never been but I’ve always wanted to go. I know you’re searching for something and I think that this is something that will benefit you.” Ok. Take me to church.

A couple weeks ago I had a haircut. Just a little trim. This cute little 21 year old and compared our love life demise stories to each other. She was so insightful. She said “you just have to get back to that place where you know what you will and won’t put up with.” Simple as that. But then there’s the task, what will I and what won’t I. I found the first couple weeks of my life after our fall-out I was very indecisive, about everything. What to eat, what to wear, how to spend my time. I would walk through a store after work hoping to get out of my head. I’d look at clothes or jewelry and try on pretty things but ultimately I just felt bored by it. I didn’t want anything, nothing would grab me. Everything in front of me was what I didn’t want. This ended up just being a benefit to my bank account, thankfully. Instead I’ve since thrown myself more and more into work and yoga. I don’t have a detailed list of what I want, I could go on and on about what I don’t. But I know myself well enough to know that when I see what I want, I always know right away. And at the very least what I want is the opportunity to love and be loved in return.

Day 14

Today is my 31st birthday! (Weeeeeeee) Because today I plan on being uber selfish. I have written this in advance, to help me comply with my deadlines. Here are 31 little pieces of advice I’ve learned over my many moons that I would like to bestow on you as my act of kindness:

1. You can use lipstick as blush. Apparently my colleagues enjoy this. I’m often seen putting on makeup secretly in my cubicle and one day my colleague asked me what the hell I was doing when I put a line of bright red lipstick on my cheekbone. Just rub it in circular motion the way your blush should go, easy peasy lemon squeezy.
2. Never ever, ever, EVER for a minute take a guy back into your life who cheats on you, or intentionally does anything he knows will hurt you. For any reason. Don’t. I don’t care how cute he is or how good the sex is. Take a picture, get a vibrator.
3. Apologizing too much makes you look weak. Apologize, be sincere and move on.
4. You have to love yourself more.
5. The best thing in this life is a blessing and a curse. Nothing lasts forever.
6. Your mom will love you no matter what.
7. Listen to everyone’s advice then forget it and do what you think is best.
8. When planning for your life, plan to be surprised.
9. Heartbreak feels just like a hangover. There are a lot of ‘cure-aids’ but nothing will help you more than time. You gotta just wait it out.
10. There comes a time when the phrase “you don’t look that old’ becomes insulting. Don’t use it.
11. Don’t use any cliché sentences in general. If you can’t speak for yourself then don’t.  Listen instead.
12. Everyone is punished and praised in equal measure. Don’t compare your life to someone else’s because something you may envy may actually be an obstacle for them and vice verse.
13. Treat dating like trying on clothes. Some dresses you wear for longer, some just don’t work, some are out-dated but make you laugh anyway. Just have fun. Life is short, there are plenty of boys so don’t just get stuck on one right away.
14. The best mac n’ cheese is President’s Choice white cheddar. Add garlic and onion, maybe breadcrumbs or a sprig of parsley, I love adding mushrooms or broccoli. Pretend it’s a fancy meal if it’s all you can afford. (one box is .77 cents) Set the table like it’s a romantic date. I randomly do this just because, it makes me happy.
15. The best gift you can give the world is to be real, be honest, put yourself out there and be present. Do the best you can with what you have. Express yourself and connect with the world around you.
16. Find the good in everyone. If you can’t, there it says more about you than them.
17. Be kind to those who hurt you, hating them only hurts you.
18. The best quote I ever hear about forgiveness was from Oprah. “Forgiveness is accepting the past couldn’t be any other way.
19. The people in your life are a reflection of who you are.
20. Believing in god or a higher power doesn’t make you weak or stupid.
21. Don’t wish any part of your life away. Life will never be perfect and you must learn to enjoy all the moments as they will, without regard just pass you by.
22. Tell people you love, you love them.
23. Actions speak louder than words. Its easy to say things, if you want to know someone just observe the things they do.
24. Love your parents.
25. Happiness is a practice, it’s not something that just falls from the sky.
26. Whatever you do to your face, do to your neck. If you wash your face, wash your neck, moisturize your face and moisturize your neck. Your neck is the age giveaway. You could have a younger looking face but no one wants to kiss a turkey neck. Take care of your skin.
27. Don’t go shopping with your boyfriend. Go shopping with your girlfriend, someone who actually wants to shop with you.
28. Too much caffeine affects women’s hormone levels. Have coffee in moderation. It causes dehydration and cramps.
29. There is no shame in crying.
30. There isn’t anything in life that will happen to you that you can’t get over.
31. The most important relationship you have in this life is the one you have with yourself.

This is some advise I wrote down from my conversation with my best friend tonight:

1. If a man tell you he works late, that’s a bunch of bullshit-he’s sleeping with someone else.
2. Don’t believe everything people say.
3. Everyone has an ulterior motive. Not everyone but most of the population.
4. The men never change. They don’t get any more mature. If a man shows you his ass he will never change. ( ass meaning cheats or lies or does something bad.) It will never change or get better.
5. A man’s character should be judged by they failures not their successes. That’s where they show their true colors. Everyone must always work on their integrity, when you call fall on your face and do it with class.
6. Enjoy your 20s. Its amazing. Spend your money. Don’t grow up too fast. Don’t take on too many responsibilities.
7. If a man cheats on you once never go back to him again. I wish I told myself that at 26. I’d say that is my biggest regret. It was my biggest waste of time. You can’t fix broken glass.
8. If a crazy person accosts you , just act crazier than them. Put your hands up and start spitting every where. They will get the point.

I adored my birthday this year. Many wonderful wishes sent my way, very thoughtful gifts and time well spent. Here is also a picture of my ultimate favorite breakfast made by my favorite chef. A very appreciated act of kindness.

 

 

Day 12

I started off my morning like a goddess. Slept in a little, got up and took my time to get ready and met up with my best friend for breakfast. We ordered the regular, off-the-menu-love-of-my-life-potato-medley. It’s a total dive, but the waitresses are so sweet and chatty that it makes me happy to go there. Who doesn’t want to go into a place where people are excited you came?!

When we walked out the parking attendant was printed off tickets to chars in the parking lot. “Oh crap, I hope he isn’t giving you a ticket.” I not only say this out of concern for her, but for the scene about to go down. P.S. I’m still holding my carry out container holding my breakfast from the restaurant.

“I hope your not giving me a ticket!”

“Which one is your car?” She then points to her car at the end and he confirms he has indeed given her a ticket.

“What!” She says it like she’s out of breath from running. “I just went inside to get change! It was only a second! Seriously?!!”

Then he interrupts her and says in this completely zen yoga voice, “okay, alright, take a breath. Just breathe. It’s all fine. Show me your change.”

Her posture changed completely. She started to dig in her purse to find her change and pulls out a quarter, a dime and a nickle. Just change, not change that makes sense to substantiate her claim.

“Ok see, no big deal.” Walks over with us and cancels the ticket on the spot.

The whole time I say nothing, just taking notes. Get in the car and close the door, she says. “I told you, you can’t hustle a hustler!”

I told her we should get him a coffee, but we didn’t find him again after that. I’ve thought about this all day. At first I thought, how dumb are you! I’ve re-told the story a million times just to make someone laugh, every time I think of it I laugh. I was really impressed with his ability to change her attitude right away, aside from cancelling the ticket. Even if it was a dumb move, it was so nice and it impacted the rest of our morning together, which continued to be just as fun as it was. In the end it was a ripple effect, trickling through the rest of my day, the story of the cancelled ticket.

Day Eleven

I didn’t do too much during the day, I was too busy to notice. The day pretty much just swallowed me. As a rule, I feel that being more aware has helped me but I’m not really sure in which ways. On my subway ride home my eyes were assaulted by this beautiful spring coat. It was tweed-like with lime green accents. In. LOVE. I couldn’t not say anything and so I decided to say “I just love your coat.” Only to have the girl completely ignore me. Oh my god this has never happened to me before. Are people looking at me? Don’t turn around. Is she wearing earphones? Does she think I’m crazy?

When I transferred lines, a lady with a baby stroller and another girl were standing in the doorway of the train. One girl was really eager to make the baby laugh, doing silly things, talking in a baby voice, tickling her. I was paying attention, for whatever reason. Until I saw a brown bottle in the cup holder. Is that a beer? The label was turned to face away revealing nutritional facts. Are nutritional facts listed on a beer? Maybe that’s why the label is facing away. And to be very honest, in general I don’t pay attention to people. But I became hell bent on judging those two girls. Their clothing, where they would probably be going, the fact that my tax paying dollars most likely support them most likely, their inability to dress themselves (leggings too tight they became see-through.) And like a hawk I paid attention until I found out that ‘racinette‘ (which in French means root beer), the word that was printed on the bottle, was not worth getting riled up about for the few minutes I did. Crooked teeth have not barring on parental skills, I should already know that, I haven’t heard a baby laugh like that on the subway ever and it was actually nice to hear. To those two girls, I truly apologize.

The last stop before home was the grocery store trying to remember everything I need and wondering why I didn’t make a list. A girl looking so shy said to me “I just  want to tell you that I love your dress………..and your sandals.” And then as if I’d won a contest I said “you do?!” and had a conversation for a few minutes with her. Talking to strangers is getting easier, even though I’m always the first to inch away. That compliment had a big impact on how I felt about myself for the rest of the evening. And although I’m not the one executing the most kindness at the moment, it feels good to be aware of it and appreciate it.

Day Ten

I know I know. I skipped 8 and 9. I’m not going to bullshit you. I haven’t been doing anything worth talking about. I slept until 3 pm today. It’s been nothing but relaxation and sleep.

I was talking with my girlfriend tonight on the phone, “are you still doing your good deeds?” How do I put this gently………”well, I don’t know can we count blow jobs?” She mocks me, “I don’t think that helps humanity.” Which is then when I decide to defend myself because I think it does in some ways. How many times have you assumed someone didn’t get laid because they were acting like an asshole? Or assumed someone did get laid because they were suddenly nice?

Apparently, the effects of an orgasm are a multitude of good things. Lowered blood pressure, stress relief, increases pain tolerance, protects your heart, helps with weight loss, increases quality of sleep, builds immune system etc.etc. How could all of those things not impact the greater good? I can only assume that when my beau drives home, he becomes less likely to have road rage for which he is prone. That must impact someone else, inadvertently. So, your welcome world.

“Your blog is about to take an evil turn isn’t it.” Until I can learn how to be a naturally nice person, yes, it is. Happy Sunday.

http://www.self.com/blogs/flash/2011/09/the-5-health-benefits-of-havin.html

http://www.yourtango.com/200920106/doing-it-lights

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Why-Having-Sex-20-Good-Health-Reasons-71825.shtml

 

Day Seven

May 1 marks two years that I have lived in Toronto. I am really amazed at how slow and quickly it has gone by. A lot of crazy things happened since moving here. Most of them in the first year. I always wanted to move here, ever since I was 18 and came to visit Toronto to visit my biological father. I was mesmerized by the big city. I felt like being here was walking into TV life, almost like a fantasy. When I finally decided to take the plunge to move here, I really had no reason to do it. I had made a friend at a job I was just fired from. She was convincing me that moving to Toronto as a young single woman was the best thing for me to do. “What are you waiting for! Move to Toronto!” The day after I was fired from my job, I gave my notice to move from my apartment in Oakville. I had no idea what I was going to do but I knew that a big change was coming, and so I followed it. I looked at several apartments in my price range. Most of them looked like a prison cell or a rapers delight. I fell apart, what was I doing?! No plan, nothing working out. My friend and I just stumbled upon a sign near her house and decided to inquire about apartments. A bachelor on the lake so close you could hear the waves. I had to have it. I had no job and hardly any money. I gave them every cent I had except for 50 bucks, filled out the application and luckily I was approved and could move in. Only now, how the hell was I going to do that?

For some god forsaken reason I decided to work that day. I had gotten a job in Toronto a couple weeks prior and I didn’t feel comfortable asking for the time off. I asked the guy I was dating at the time to help me move but he was less reliable than I’d hoped. I didn’t have any one to help except for my new friend who had coerced me into making this decision. I didn’t feel like it was a big deal as my apartment was small. How bad could it be?!

Because of rush hour traffic, we made a plan to meet outside of my apartment after work, we would meet and pick up the U-haul nearby. She lives down the street from me. I was excited by the buzz of the city and being able to take the street car home. Getting closer to my new place I was getting excited and nervous. It was April 30th, the last possible day to move which meant I would only have until midnight to get everything out of my old apartment. It gave us about 5 hours to finish. My landlord was really pressing me to finish because the new girl was pressing them to let her in. There wasn’t anything I could do to speed up the process. I wouldn’t have access to my new apartment until the morning of May 1st. I would be keeping my things in the U-haul overnight and moving in again the next day. One stop away from my new street car stop, the street car was just sitting in the street. I couldn’t figure out why until I took my earpiece out of my ear and overheard people speaking to a girl hovered over at the front breathing hard. “Do you need some water? Are you okay? The ambulance is on it’s way” Ambulance?! I have somewhere to be! I got off the street car early and met up with my friend who couldn’t get to me because of all the firetrucks and ambulances taking up all the space.

We set out to find the U-haul place which was just about to close. We put in the address to the GPS who told us all the wrong ways to go. I begged the location to say open so we could get there, but they wouldn’t. I didn’t make it in time and now had no conceivable idea of how to get my stuff from Oakville to Toronto.

First idea was my from my friend who suggested I call my father. We hadn’t been speaking, he didn’t know I’d gotten fired or made a decision to leave the city. Explaining everything would have taken longer than I had to move my things. “He’s your dad Priscilla, just call him. ” The thought of calling him was too much to consider. I burst into uncontrollable tears. She hadn’t been speaking to her sister for months but her brother-in-law had a truck. We sat in her car in silence minus the sound of me crying. “You’re going to make me amends with my sister aren’t you.”  I got out of the car to have a cigarette and figure this out. While I did that, she spoke with her sister and somehow got us a truck. Saved.

When we finally got to the apartment to pack everything up, it started to rain. The new tenant for my apartment was already there and waiting in the parking lot, even though I told my landlord I wouldn’t be finished until late evening. We started packing in the rain, the truck was much smaller than expected. We couldn’t figure out how to pack the truck properly and kept having to re-pack. Somethings we getting left out in the rain getting ruined. When we re-loaded my mattress in the truck, water starting squeezing out of it. The landlord helped me move things out quickly so the new tenant could move in. I was pretty frazzled with everything and thought that was helpful. Half of my things ended up in the hallway at the back door when we realized we could only fit one half in the truck. I had no choice but to take a chance and leave them there while while we figured out where to put the other half. She called her parents, who graciously let me leave it in their garage for the night. When we went back to get the other half, my microwave had been stolen and my favorite chair (that I’d rescued from the dumpster) had to be left behind as well, so I let the new tenant have it which still burns me two years later. My friend somehow convinced a random older man to help us pack the remaining things in the truck for us. He even kept a couple boxes that wouldn’t fit that my friend picked up for me later. Luck. I had no idea how I was going to get through that instance. I was ready to give up and leave all my belongings behind out of frustration, but somehow it worked out. I vowed that day moving into this apartment, I would only be moving out for a really good reason. I never want to move again and luckily so far there hasn’t been a good enough reason to leave.  This is the longest I’ve lived anywhere for more than ten years and having a consistent home feels a lot better, even if home its just me.

When I finally moved into this place, it wasn’t very long before I felt like it was home. I was and still am very grateful for the acts of kindness that got me into this apartment and on the road to re-building my life. When I look back, many strangers have helped me tremendously mould the way my life would turn. I think it’s for this reason I hope to be able to randomly and unknowingly help guide some else’s into the direction of the greater good.

 

 

 

 

 

Day Six

This morning I was beyond exhausted. I decided to tempt fate and go into work an hour later without calling just to see what would happen. I was so tired. My eyes hurt too much to read the paper, and when I got to work I realized it was no longer in my hand. I have no idea what happened to it. I also somehow ended up on the wrong platform, which never happens to me. Normally I can walk through not paying attention and get to the right place because I know exactly where I’m going. It only took me about a year to read the signs to do that properly (realizing the TTC was one step ahead providing signs with directions), with the exception of today. For some reason, I wore sandals. It was not as though I didn’t see the shitty cold weather outside, but I guess I thought it went better with my outfit. My feet were freezing I kept cursing myself the whole way! “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!” My morning commute is 90 minutes, which was still not enough sleep for me. I ran out of my apt without make up on, when I got to work I was horrified for everyone who had to see me with my panda eyes. The first thing I thought was “I gotta fix this”. Makeup and a permanent schedule change to start my day at 10 instead of 9. Voilà, hopefully it will help.

I kinda felt bad about the guy on the subway from the night before. I’ve been looking all over for opportunities to help someone or do something kind and there was an opportunity yelling at me. Why wouldn’t  I jump on that? I double checked my purse today just to make sure I didn’t secretly have cash hidden in some pocked I’d forgotten about, and luckily I had 15 cents. I suppose if I would have contributed to the cause he would have only needed 1.85 cents. Except for one very pressing question, if he needs money, how did he get on the subway? Who is he visiting in Vancouver and why don’t they just foot the bill?

But then again, in the grand scheme of things what does two dollars really matter?

I called a client regarding his unfavorable news. He said in French, “I don’t speak English.” Oh lucky for him I speak French. Only now that I’m speaking French he says “no no! I don’t speak French I speak English!” Does this guy think I was born yesterday, while in both languages he tells me he speaks the other.  I told him off in French and hung up, I really have no patience for bull shit. My colleague called him later, and then suddenly he could only speak Spanish. Oh! How worldly! He continues to avoid this conversation but if he would just face it, he would find out that it would take him only a couple minutes to fix it and feel better, but in the meantime I’m irritated for having to waste time with it.

Why do I care if I help a stranger? It doesn’t really seem to help so far nor is it comfortable. Is my cynical friend right? Is everything that we do motivated by a payoff? Of course whether good or bad, that’s human nature. I wanted to start this project to hopefully feel some excitement to get up in the morning, to step out of my mind and become more aware of life. I would like a more beautiful life, to live better, find clarity, trust in my own abilities. I want to be a good person, or be part of the chain of the greater good, for the world (that I live in) to be a happier place. Ultimately, this helps me the most. I’m not going to pretend I’m going to help every single person who asks me for change. I wouldn’t be learning my life lessons if I did that. Tough love is still love. Sometimes you have to help yourself out of it.

Which is precisely why, I’m going to get off this computer and make an eye appointment. My squinting eyes are begging for some glasses!

 

 

Day Five

This morning I scheduled breakfast with my friend, which is out of character for me. Damage control and also trying to make more time to see her since we have started to see less of each other lately. We shared my favorite breakfast which is not on the menu but they make it for me anyhow, a mixture of fried potatoes, mushroom, tomato, and onions. (You’re welcome.) We talked about Saturday, each stated our sides and agreed that in the future we should just stick to places downtown. Future crises averted, no license to be obtained. It was pouring so hard, I walked her back to her car with my umbrella (something I wouldn’t normally think of – 1 pt) and then walked myself to the bus stop wondering if maybe I should actually get my license. Total foot soaker.

On my way to work, I had some extra time. I bought myself a little notepad to write all my thoughts during the day down, happy I finally remembered to do it at the right time. I saw a bunch of delicious individually wrapped chocolates so I bought them for my coworkers in case I wasn’t able to do anything nice today. I have to be able to write about something! But, even though I associate this kindness tactic as somewhat lazy, it was still really nice to be surrounded by smiling (albeit glutinous) people for a moment.

The rain would not let up today! When I got outside the subway on the short walk to work my enormous umbrella was lifted high up into the air and inside out and then suddenly it felt as though I was part of a Mary Poppins dance routine on the sidewalk. I must have looked completely ridiculous, and the thought of it made me laugh hysterically. I was crossing the street as if I was going to war, when I saw this old man walking with a cane and no umbrella. Poor guy. “This weather is terrible! Do you have very far to go?” while also laughing. I thought maybe I should walk with him because my umbrella was so big and I had the time. But the old man made a face and said ‘No! No, I”m fine! I’m just going up there.” He pointed exactly where I was going but his tone said no so I ran off squeaking in my shoes. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. Now, I feel weird for being nice. Borderline creepy?

I complimented a girl the same age as me about her beautiful flawless skin. I would only ever say something nice if I meant it. But instead she did the token girl thing and said “no I don’t! YOU do!” And then pointed out all the reasons I was wrong,  to keep I felt like I should maybe point out why she was wrong, and we both just sat there dissing ourselves. So instead of continuing on with it I just said ‘you’re probably right, I do need glasses.” I give up, this isn’t working.

Near the end of my shift I got off the phone with a really irritating client. “Ok you stupid fucking bitch.” I muttered to myself in my cubicle. My supervisor, who sits next to me says in a semi joking fatherly tone “why are you talking like that? That’s not becoming of a lady to speak like that.”

Ugh. “I’m not trying to be becoming.” I say monotone.

My colleague peers at me rolling her eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Ok. You’re right. Woooosssssssssssaaaaaaaaaw. Better?”  We all laugh. “For the greater good and you, I’ll do that .”

And the next time I needed to it actually helped.

On my way home, I sat with my young colleague going through the break up on the subway. I asked her how she was doing with everything. She explained  she was doing okay. She had been following all her friends advice and it was working in her favor. She  changed her hair, wore prettier clothes and started having fun only to have him trying to crawl back to her. Except she was forcing herself to move on. I was amazed to hear her make it sound so easy, I was expecting a sob story about how she really missed him and didn’t know how to carry on. She explained ‘My mom always told me to surround myself with better people. Because she said then you will become better. I always hung around people who were older than me, and they always gave me advice and I listened. I realized, no matter what I don’t know-they know, that’s why I listen.” I really just felt in such awe of that attitude of being so completely open to the possibilities that life has to offer. Not operating out of fear, and just trusting that what you’re doing is the right thing to do.

I told her about my blog, the concept, my progress and frustration with it this far. She said. “Who cares if you do something nice. Be who you are now. You are a nice person. But who cares if you do something nice to a stranger?” Then it was her stop and I had to think about it, so I pulled out my notepad and scribbled some things down.

A guy got on the subway car and started yelling “Can someone please help me! Can someone help me!?” I glanced up to check he wasn’t bleeding and kept writing. “I need to get 65 bucks to get on the bus back to Vancouver, I’m desperate, I only need two bucks guys. Please.” This is the precise reason I don’t carry cash, I don’t want to guilt myself into giving it to random people for possibilities unknown. A trip from Toronto to Vancouver no matter which way you’re going is more than that. His clothing was also not in bad shape, he could have at least sang a song or something.   Now this guy in front of me was leering on people for two bucks, getting agitated. “Hey guys, I’m trying to be nice here but it’s getting me fucking nowhere.” Semi hostile tone.  I hear ya bud, I really wanted to say that but I continued writing my notes instead.